FROM CHAPTER 8:
Just napping, but am hungry. Aren't these damn people ever going to feed me? I ain't no poster boy for #weightwatchers!
@MiloLonergan
...Consider for the moment the ability of Border Collies to chase balls. I refuse to chase balls unless there is a nice treat waiting for me. It’s simply not in my genes. I find it absolutely preposterous to think that any breed of dog has naturally evolved into a great ball chaser. This trait is something humans have trained us to do in the past century and it is one of the most nonsensical behaviours imaginable. I watch what is supposedly the smartest dog in the world as it chases ball after ball. Without treats. It doesn’t smell other dogs’ rear ends, doesn’t pee on every telephone pole and doesn’t run up to every human it sees, begging for treats. It simply isn’t natural. Training a Border Collie to fetch balls is rather like taking Einstein and teaching him to play tiddlywinks rather than focus on physics. If Einstein wants to play tiddlywinks, then that is his business. But to train him to do this rather than develop a theory of relativity is rather inane, don’t you think? One of Stevie’s friends asked him, “Doesn’t Milo like to chase balls?”
His response was telling. “Well, uhhh, not really. Not unless I give him a treat.”
You’re damn right. We’ve got enough imbeciles in this world chasing balls—humans and dogs.
Just like there are smart dogs, there are also dumb dogs. Humans rate Afghan Hounds as the dumbest dogs in the world, based on how difficult it is to train them. Think about this a bit. Afghanistan is a tribal country and their people don’t adhere to Western norms and behaviour. Neither do their dogs. Why should they? But, again, we’re talking about human measurements and human indicators. Developed by humans in Europe and North America. Why doesn’t somebody ask us dogs who the smartest or dumbest are? Wouldn’t this be a good strategy?
At the dumb end of the dog scale there is one dog that both humans and dogs agree on, and that is the British Bulldog. Now, don’t get me wrong. Dumb dogs can make great pets, just like dogs that engage in coprophagia can be wonderful pets, I suppose. I read where one human expert said that Bulldogs are great for people who work all day because it takes eight hours for a Bulldog to realize its owner is gone. For Border Collies, it takes all of five minutes before they realize they are alone, and then they start tearing the house apart.
Fred the Bulldog was one of the regulars at the park Charlie and I frequented. Fred looked like a brown and white fire hydrant that had fallen over. He wasn’t exactly sleek of build. Maybe he had just smashed his head into too many walls as a puppy, but his face was quite flat and he seemed to huff and puff constantly, even when he was lying down. Like he had terrible asthma caused by smoking too many cigars. Although I always thought Fred was an indolent, phlegmatic character, he seemed to get a bit jealous when Charlie and I frolicked through the clover. One day when Charlie and I were wrestling playfully, he came up behind me and bit me in the ass. Can you imagine that? Yeah, I knew Fred was a bit simpleminded, but nobody bites me in the ass. I was overcome with rage and, before I knew what I was doing, I had Fred by the neck and was ready to tear him limb from limb. Stevie was away from the action but Gina, bless her soul, tried to intervene...